Urban wildlife whisperer

I saw the fattest squirrel on Saturday. It had this big ass. I know it was actually fat and didn't just appear fat because I saw another one nearby that wasn't. The skinny one saw me, and kept an eye on me the whole way up a tree. He'd scamper up for a few seconds, then stop and stare me down, then up a little more, then he'd check back. Are you still here? STILL? He was really put out by my presence but his little abrupt movements were so fun to watch that I couldn't help my rudeness. It's November. I think he should get on with puffing up like his friend.

On Sunday, I saw an injured raccoon. It was dark out and I thought at first I was looking at a porcupine, but then I saw the ringed tail. It was crossing the road and limping on three legs. I was running, extremely fast of course, but I slowed down to make sure it got across without being hit by a car. And what was I going to do if a car came along, anyway? Jump in front of it, Protector of Small Mammals that I am? Well, no car came along, and the raccoon hobbled without too much bother through a small patch of wilderness, then across the path, at which point it looked at me. Like the squirrel, this guy seemed a little offended by my being there as well. What are you staring at? You never hurt your leg before? I should have told him the story of how I crunched my own ankle at that very spot six months earlier. He didn't want to talk so he went off into the woods where he was very well camouflaged.

Is it safe to assume that an animal without lipstick or a bow in its hair is a boy?